2006, November 20: Thanks for the Memories

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(November 20, 2006)

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

I have a place in my house that is my little corner of the “house world.” I clean my guns there; store ammo and things that have little value but are priceless to me. I tinkered this past weekend and picked up a few of those priceless items. An old knife I rescued from my grandparents cabin in Canada before it was sold. It took me back to the Canadian sunsets when we would dock our boats, carry in our catch and, as a 14 year old, I would filet the whole batch before the best shore dinner you can imagine. For a minute or so I was back in the cabin proudly commanding that knife as the fastest” fileter” around!

Next to it was the knife my dad had in his tackle box that I first remember in the late 1940’s or early 1950’s. We were fishing off a balcony in a 19th century hotel in Estes Park. It was June and it had just begun snowing. Nothing had changed except electricity and running water since the westward movement. I pick up this knife and suddenly it’s 56 years ago.

And there was his watch – his treasure my mom bought him and which I sometimes wear when the occasion fits.

OK, so enough private reminiscing. I am going somewhere with this and if you let it happen, you probably thought about the little connections you have which take you back in your life. What do you have among your keepsakes that connect?

These are icons – they transport us. Not to the heavens as religious icons were intended but to the little heavens of our life; or our private hells. But you can choose where you wish to be transported. It’s the choice we make when we look backward.

This week is Thanksgiving and you will make the choices for which you will be grateful. Or not. You can choose the things of the past that will enrich and fortify you today and the things of the present that you take for granted. You can do it with family all around you or you can do it alone in a cruiser or behind a desk. It is the great tool of choice that God has given us and perhaps for which we should be most grateful. It was He who told us He sets before us life and death and then said choose life. It is choice that allows us to keep the gold of the past, the riches of the present, and move out of the painful hells of our lives. It is choice that opens hearts that have been hardened by pain, unfairness and failure.

So wherever you are this Thanksgiving choose wisely and be truly thankful because grateful people are a lot better to be around.

Stay safe and you have been prayed for.

2006, August 21. About Mike: A Grief & A Duty

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{For the week of August 21st}

ABOUT MIKE: A GRIEF AND A DUTY

David Grossman in his book On Killing speaks of the stages observed after a lethal incident. I think it also very accurately describes what some of us are going through in the aftermath of the immense tragedy which hit Mike Beitko, his family, the department, and especially those of us who knew him well. Grossman describes the following phases: the adrenalin stage which follows the death, the immense remorse stage, and finally, a rational stage.

There are many who remember the moment when we got the news Mike was killed. Probably most of us said words I cannot print in a Signal 1. For some, including me, it was getting to Akron General as fast as possible, finding a place to park in the ER lot, briefly arguing with the attendant, standing dumbstruck by the reality of the implausible, wanting to do something and finding nothing could be done. And so we stood in disbelief as the process began. An anger grew which has not yet been quenched in a lot of us.

Then, as the reality set in, there was a wash of sadness, horror, and not a little fear of what was going to come down in the aftermath. Some of us will remember forever what we saw and heard and did. There was this strange relinquishing of the investigation of one of ours handled by NOT one of ours. The distancing of leaving the ER room and watching another take charge was not easy for some. It was the beginning of what would unfold. There was the dread of how the media would handle this and the knowledge that we were just going to have to ride that through. The fear that it would not come down right in the system. For several of us, it dragged out another hospital hallway that brought back the awful and helpless moments of the past when there was nothing we could do.

It is always said that cops may fight each other but band together when an outsider attacks. And I have to say, right or wrong, I would have been disappointed if that had not happened. It is a bond which protectively and deeply welds us when the “2%” madness engendered by this profession strikes again.

But there is a final stage – and it will take varying lengths of time for various people depending upon the nature and depth of their connection to Mike and his family. Here we don’t put it to rest, we learn to put it down for longer intervals. We learn to put it into our own personal stories. We do not forget it but, rather, put it into it’s right place. But we will never be satisfied. We can look at it with its sadness, with less pervasive anger, and see it for the complex tragedy it is.

The remarkable theme that runs throughout the entire Bible is a promise: that God is with us, will not walk out on us. And the psalmist knew it was especially important for warriors when he wrote both the 23rd and the 91st psalms. No preaching here, just the reminder that it is our duty to practice that same presence which assures Mike’s family and our brothers and sisters in blue that they can count on not being abandoned in any of the stages above. We can live with that – especially when one of ours dies.